Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
