last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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