what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
