i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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