So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
