mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Randomize
