I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize