If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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