Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
