Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
