I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
