You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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