i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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