oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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