He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
love makes seman taste better
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
