Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
