Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
