We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Drunk is a universal language darling
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
