Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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