im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
