Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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