I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
