You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
