How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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