id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
