Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
