mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just tell him i said nine months
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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