This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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