He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
