after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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