Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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