i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
