The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
