So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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