Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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