i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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