And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize