I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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