Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
