I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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