You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
