morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
