You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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