I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Green mimosas i think yes
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
