we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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