dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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