I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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