I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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