does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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