i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
She's the barista slut.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
