what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Alive.
So much puke
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
