I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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