someone get that fucking seahorse.
Buhtt sex?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
