remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
