I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
