so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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