she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
