If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I have fence marks all over my body
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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