I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
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