I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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