My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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