i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
