she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
foreskin is a definite game changer
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
